But no one knows its meaning except God.

In the last 60 years I have lived in the shadow of Stalin and Hitler, but thank goodness not been directly affected by their hideous rule.  I have stood by as Vietnam went into meltdown and then as the Killing Fields flourished.  I went on marches to try and end apartheid and stopped buying South African food. I stood in Trafalgar Square praying for peace in Ireland.  So many awful awful leaders have abused their power and their people and so many people have abused their neighbours, families etc.  And now it is happening again. Muslim against Muslim, Muslim against Christians etc. Not real Muslims but people claiming to act in the name of Islam.  Their actions have made me finally get my Koran out and read from it. Today's reading included the following:
"He has revealed to you the Book with the Truth, confirming the scriptures which proceeded it, for he has already revealed the Torah and the Gospel for the guidance of mankind, and the distinction between right and wrong.... It is he who has revealed to you the Book. Some of its verses are precise in meaning and others ambiguous. Those whose hearts are infected with disbelief observer the ambiguous parts so as to create dissension by seeking to explain it. But no one knows its meaning except God.

A being through time.

When I reached my 50th birthday I had a big birthday party.   I had lived longer than my mother: but compared with my grandmother who died at 90 was a mere a youngster.

Now I am almost 60.  I do not know where the last 10 years have gone, although I do not feel older I am. I am definitely entering that phase of life when I am sort of old - whatever that means.

I seem to view it in two ways. When I got to the age when I knew I could no longer have children I definitely went through a period of mourning.  I felt very sad to know that I could no longer be a parent to a new born or feel life within me.  It felt like a loss of something to do with what it is to be a woman.  But now I am enjoying it. I love and wonder at the idea that I have lived so long.  And want to celebrate this thing called life.  So I hope over the next few years however, long I have (- I have always said I need to live 200 years or so to do all the things I want to do -  however if I were to stop sleeping and watching TV and had just got on with things, I would probably have packed a lot more by now) to try and make sense of this shifting phenomenon:  being through time.

Had I been born 5 years ago,  I would have been able to retire at this age and got my state pension and mentally I know I have been working towards the idea that I will work till I am 60.  This is mainly because when I got M.E it was such a struggle to work that I did not even know if I would work again so the idea that I might have to work for even longer was unpalatable. Then when I lost all benefits despite being unable to work full time any more I had to get on with it and work to survive and that is what I have been doing with a range and patchwork of jobs. I knew economically my year out was probably not good sense, but sometimes one just has to do something different, but when I came home from Kyrgyzstan this year I entered a sort of strange place a place where I wanted to stop work, because I was almost 60 and where I had to take on board that that might not be possible.  Having always had to earn a living - albeit with state aid when my income has been low - I both love the idea of not working and having an income but cannot quite get my head round it either. I had numerous conversations with my pension provider to see if had understood the idea of annuities etc.    In the end I had to conclude that while I was in a position to get some of my pension at 60, it was not a living income, but just a bonus, so work might still have to come into it. Much to my amazement I have at last secured a permanent 0.5 teaching post and was looking forward to the income on top from my pension, only to now be told I cannot get my pension as I am in work. So having spent months getting my head round this idea that I am 60 a pensioner - I am not I am just another worker.    While this has its psychological attractions if my physical being can keep up with this, I know that mentally for a long time I have both felt ready for a change but also unsure how to conduct this change.  I want getting older to be a sort of wake up call. To say hello all this comes to an end so if you have dreams identify them and see if you can fulfill them, in a context where sleeping and watching TV is so comforting and fun.

Anyway we will see hopefully I can put some messages up here that reflect on these things and I would love to have other people's in put and thoughts.

Furious over pension news

Since returning to work my anger levels have definitely been growing. So while I mainly feel calm regular eruptions tell me the long days, rude students, and the total failure of the college systems to enable smooth functioning are taking their toll - that underneath the apparent calm I am very tense.   The level of anger has surprised me because although the world of Kafka has only worsened since I was last here I really thought I was mentally above this because in a way I know it is only temporary - that soon I can get a bit of extra income from my pension, get a nice lump sum, so can really enjoy when I am not working.

So today to find out that the information given to me by the Teacher's Pensions is incorrect that I cannot in fact access this money unless I stop work for a day !? has left me really erupting. Ever since summer I have been dreaming of this money and how it will liberate me. Prior to accepting the job I checked that it would not impact on this and was assured I could have a mixed pension - ie have my original pension at 60 and the other pension later.  But no one no one said that I would somehow have to stop my new permanent job for a day in order to claim that money.   Only now have I received that information.  Furious.