A being through time.

When I reached my 50th birthday I had a big birthday party.   I had lived longer than my mother: but compared with my grandmother who died at 90 was a mere a youngster.

Now I am almost 60.  I do not know where the last 10 years have gone, although I do not feel older I am. I am definitely entering that phase of life when I am sort of old - whatever that means.

I seem to view it in two ways. When I got to the age when I knew I could no longer have children I definitely went through a period of mourning.  I felt very sad to know that I could no longer be a parent to a new born or feel life within me.  It felt like a loss of something to do with what it is to be a woman.  But now I am enjoying it. I love and wonder at the idea that I have lived so long.  And want to celebrate this thing called life.  So I hope over the next few years however, long I have (- I have always said I need to live 200 years or so to do all the things I want to do -  however if I were to stop sleeping and watching TV and had just got on with things, I would probably have packed a lot more by now) to try and make sense of this shifting phenomenon:  being through time.

Had I been born 5 years ago,  I would have been able to retire at this age and got my state pension and mentally I know I have been working towards the idea that I will work till I am 60.  This is mainly because when I got M.E it was such a struggle to work that I did not even know if I would work again so the idea that I might have to work for even longer was unpalatable. Then when I lost all benefits despite being unable to work full time any more I had to get on with it and work to survive and that is what I have been doing with a range and patchwork of jobs. I knew economically my year out was probably not good sense, but sometimes one just has to do something different, but when I came home from Kyrgyzstan this year I entered a sort of strange place a place where I wanted to stop work, because I was almost 60 and where I had to take on board that that might not be possible.  Having always had to earn a living - albeit with state aid when my income has been low - I both love the idea of not working and having an income but cannot quite get my head round it either. I had numerous conversations with my pension provider to see if had understood the idea of annuities etc.    In the end I had to conclude that while I was in a position to get some of my pension at 60, it was not a living income, but just a bonus, so work might still have to come into it. Much to my amazement I have at last secured a permanent 0.5 teaching post and was looking forward to the income on top from my pension, only to now be told I cannot get my pension as I am in work. So having spent months getting my head round this idea that I am 60 a pensioner - I am not I am just another worker.    While this has its psychological attractions if my physical being can keep up with this, I know that mentally for a long time I have both felt ready for a change but also unsure how to conduct this change.  I want getting older to be a sort of wake up call. To say hello all this comes to an end so if you have dreams identify them and see if you can fulfill them, in a context where sleeping and watching TV is so comforting and fun.

Anyway we will see hopefully I can put some messages up here that reflect on these things and I would love to have other people's in put and thoughts.