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 Last night I received my invitation to continue working with my company - I am on a rolling contract since we suddenly became employed rather than self employed - and I was "pleased" to accept another year's work.    The irony is not lost on me. 6 years ago,  I bitterly resented working longer.  I still do mourn the lost opportunities the things that I had hoped to do, but now even if I did stop working, because of the virus,  I would not be able to do those things, so instead I will carry on working at least for now.   But getting the papers from the pension authority seemed very weird.  These papers so longed for seem alien really.  I started work when I was 13 - the regular fall of money into my bank - even if it was not much - has sustained me. Now once I decide to jack it in that will be it.   For now though I am lucky that I am still talking to the world and as all staff have to be graded or they will not be invited to carry on,  it is lucky that the world still seems happy to talk to me. 

29/10/2020  Having been asked to read over 100 pages of updated safety requirements, I have decided it is time to say to the agency that I sometimes work with that  I will not do any more one to one teaching. It is not that I think that these safety requirements are not essential,  I just no longer have the energy within me to read so many pages or to get on the bus and go to someone's house and hope that I will get on with the people inside.  The few one to one jobs I have had that have worked have been enormously rewarding, some of the most rewarding and also challenging of my life,  but I somehow just cannot pull myself up anymore to have the energy required to go there.  I want to do my own thing.   I will probably limp on with some online teaching as the pandemic is raging more and more and my potential future outgoings high as bathroom and kitchen for example need replacing, but even that sometimes seems like too much effort, I mostly just want to disappear, but will be interesting to see if in the end I regret not being more energised. 

On a sad note, my best friend from primary school has apparently passed away with cancer. It is years since we have been in touch, but I was suddenly contacted by another school friend and she was able to share the news with me.  So Deborah, this is for you.  I am thinking of you and really sad to hear of your passing.