To my Dad.

My last post was called the Last Post, but this really is a last post.

Last night me, my brothers Ed and Nic my sister in law and my nephew were all at hospital with my Dad Brian.  It was our chance to say Goodbye to him. Though he slipped in and out of sleep when he woke he was still my Dad. It was lovely to be able to sit with him.  He kept saying goodbye.  And the look of love between him and Joy, his wife, was so tender.  It is very hard to say goodbye to someone you love.

My relationship with my Dad, has been so complex for so long but a couple of years ago I just said, make the most of this time, his time on earth and so it is.  This last few months, with each heart attack, each diminishing, has despite the heart break been a very important healing time. That he was able to come to my birthday party was a miracle. That we were able to celebrate his 89 was another miracle.  I am sure in the next few weeks some of the painful aspects of our history will come up again.  It is I guess always difficult when having both a father one loves and a step father one loves and owes so much to to show both how important they are. I always loved going to see Brian when I was a child, I would smile from ear to ear, but the happiness and the pain of goodbye always wrecked me.  Perhaps if I had known I would share my life with him till I was 60 and he an old man I would not have been so anxious. Perhaps if I had known that he and I would travel to Nigeria together, perhaps if I had known he would go to Carnival but as a child, as a 20, 30 year those snippets of time together were so precious but painful that family get togethers were a necessary  and pleasurable but also tortuous  time. Then I had my own family, had battles with myself whether my own son needed a father or not and then at some point settled into a once or twice a year get together always pleasurable but measured time with my father, my son's grandfather. .It was so measured that when I went to live in Senegal 7 years ago  Brian commented not meanly that well he only saw me twice a year so it would not make much difference.  He and I once had he most amazing meal together a meal that brought complete peace that was shattered by complete turmoil and after for a year or so I could not even met with him. , And then luckily sense prevailed. As  a child I sort of lost him but I had not lost him, he was still there, had in fact always been there and now I had to make the most of our time together. That time has been too short  But I would not have missed that time for the world.  Love you Dad, Your daughter. Helen - Ellie Austen.