So a couple of days ago the bin at the bottom of our road got removed. I am not sure why. But a woman and her dog have just come around the corner and she - the woman, a perfectly normal woman, the kind of woman you would expect to be morally upstanding just because she looks normal, chucks her bag onto the ground where the bin would be and casually walks away.
I wanted to hit someone in the queue who lit up today and I begin to worry the lockdown is making my internal rage explode. I am guessing a lot of "naice" people underneath are seething that people do not follow the common rules that make life bearable. And of course as well as angry, I am judgemental and hypocritical cos I come home and stuff my face until I cannot breath, which is just as irresponsible. But I wonder if the lock-down is adding to the sense of frustration as we have so little control over our lives. Except that in some ways it is all about how we control our own moods at present. I seem to be having a loosing battle with my many elephants.
For example I know it is stupid but when I see something that I have done on the community allotment that is trying to encourage growth or be meaningful, I get upset when it is undone. Something in me needs to be seen to be worthy, which could be why even in the allotment God goes oh no no you don't if you try planting something it will die or you try doing something beneficial it will be trashed. I know others do a lot, but I seem to need to be valued,but cannot be valued unless I do something valuable. The woman from that stupid volunteer agency is right I am passive aggressive, but that does not mean that when I comes to volunteering that I cannot for the most part control this emotion. And I still think it takes one to know one. See not rattled about it still at all.
I am reading the book The Long Song by the late great Andrea Levy - it has a central incident in it, which when I saw the TV series, I felt that as a viewer I was struggling with because in some ways I shared the "owners" view of this situation rather than that of the heroes - the slaves. Was my own racism and intolerance being revealed or was I right to see something in his moral plea to his former slaves - a bit like when one appeals to people to do right and not smoke and like today equally at a loss as the owner when an appeal to reason is rejected. His response was violence, undermining all his good intentions, but perhaps revealing his inherent racism all along. Or do we all get violent, if only emotionally, when our ego is bludgeoned. She raises difficult questions about slavery, power, people. And this virus also makes demands on our sense of self too.
I wanted to hit someone in the queue who lit up today and I begin to worry the lockdown is making my internal rage explode. I am guessing a lot of "naice" people underneath are seething that people do not follow the common rules that make life bearable. And of course as well as angry, I am judgemental and hypocritical cos I come home and stuff my face until I cannot breath, which is just as irresponsible. But I wonder if the lock-down is adding to the sense of frustration as we have so little control over our lives. Except that in some ways it is all about how we control our own moods at present. I seem to be having a loosing battle with my many elephants.
For example I know it is stupid but when I see something that I have done on the community allotment that is trying to encourage growth or be meaningful, I get upset when it is undone. Something in me needs to be seen to be worthy, which could be why even in the allotment God goes oh no no you don't if you try planting something it will die or you try doing something beneficial it will be trashed. I know others do a lot, but I seem to need to be valued,but cannot be valued unless I do something valuable. The woman from that stupid volunteer agency is right I am passive aggressive, but that does not mean that when I comes to volunteering that I cannot for the most part control this emotion. And I still think it takes one to know one. See not rattled about it still at all.
I am reading the book The Long Song by the late great Andrea Levy - it has a central incident in it, which when I saw the TV series, I felt that as a viewer I was struggling with because in some ways I shared the "owners" view of this situation rather than that of the heroes - the slaves. Was my own racism and intolerance being revealed or was I right to see something in his moral plea to his former slaves - a bit like when one appeals to people to do right and not smoke and like today equally at a loss as the owner when an appeal to reason is rejected. His response was violence, undermining all his good intentions, but perhaps revealing his inherent racism all along. Or do we all get violent, if only emotionally, when our ego is bludgeoned. She raises difficult questions about slavery, power, people. And this virus also makes demands on our sense of self too.
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