Men, miles and memories.

 Against a background of feeling totally washed out by recent events it was a relief to get into London and then down to Southsea to catch up with various old friends.  

London sparkled in the sun and Fulham Palace Gardens were full of families enjoying themselves. There was even a Farmer's Market.  I do not know if it is the restrictions being placed on us, but just seeing the Thames was a joy.  Possible estrangement from our children, finances and Brexit and other things were discussed with a sympathetic ear, so that was kind.    But it was also just lovely to sit in the sun and relax.   

Johnny at the Fulham Palace Farmer's Market. 

Michael at the National Liberal Club. 

Then on Monday morning it was back up into the centre of town to the National Liberal Club,  the sight of some interesting conversations.  It is still very stylish to eat in but the burger in a plastic container was a bit of a disappointment.  However, again just to be able to sit and enjoy London before getting on the train - my wildly expensive £5 ticket down to Southsea - for another catch up, this time with an old friend from uni in a really lovely pub was great.  I also finally had a decent night's sleep so that was a relief.    

Many years ago my grandma lived in Southsea and I went down regularly to see her in her flat. She lived upstairs and her sister lived downstairs in a state of regularly warfare as they did not really get on with each other at all.    One bone of contention was wills. My grandma had bequeathed her flat to me, but that was dependent on my aunt also writing her will and despite always saying she wanted me to inherit, she never wrote her will.  If my grandma had lived the longest, all would have been well, but sadly whilst I was at uni, she died and then a few months afterwards her sister. Given I was pregnant at the time I could have done with somewhere to live but do not remember trying to fight for my lost inheritance  as lots of relatives who had never been known to visit crept out of the woodwork claimed their shares and went back in again leaving me and my sister still with something but not a home.  However, that money did help me buy a council flat - I know totally against my principles - and then a home when I moved out of London.   Life is full of ironies, the flat in London is worth much more than the flat I now live in - so what benefitted me also in some ways did not benefit me.  Now, in some ways it would be much better just to have my Council flat, but I had not thought through what it would mean to be older and on my own.  Seeing the house, it was nice to see it again and remember my relatives.     It was nice to be by the sea, but not sure that Southsea is really me, but then again not sure Hertfordshire is either, but not sure where I belong.  

I re-read some of my novel on my return.  One of the great wonders of my life, given the illiterate state of this blog and my novel, is that I work as an English teacher - more ironies, but the novel though it needs a lot of work, romps along.  But perhaps when I finally get to retire I should try and see if I can improve my writing!   All of life's events can be used in one's writing but this time the emotion has come out in my art instead of in writing.  It has been a ghastly ghastly time.    I am not sure it is over yet, but some warm weather, some good company and some interesting memories have kept me going for a bit.   Now it is cold and depressing and the virus is getting worse every day.   When one is down already that is when a virus can strike,  it feels like a long road ahead. 

Bob in Southsea. 

The not so green green grass of home.

 I am very proud to have been born in Letchworth, the first garden city, but now the Government has hi- jacked the term to create a range of green villages where the only infrastructure are roads - so no buses or trains, just cars to access facilities so not green at all.   Apparently in the literature they cited Howard and his important work, but have not followed through in what they have created.   The situation was revealed by Costing the Earth - all this before the relaxation in the planning laws. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000mj28

Pleased to say my MP was one of the few Tories brave enough to call out the Government over the Internal Market Bill.  More Tories need to reject Boris's bill. In theory he had an oven ready deal - yes it was a lie, but the thing is unravelling even more than the most synically minded Brexit supporter might have anticipated but which ever side of the divide one is on, yes protecting Northern Ireland is vital, but how does breaking a law to support a law help.  

All attempts to migrate of course on hold as cannot get to places one might want to buy are out of bounds.  

Yes we have no orangutans.

 I am still utterly crushed and exhausted by things, but the trauma in the country and the world goes on. 

Boris is prepared to break international law to avoid getting a deal with the EU.   Experts say we could easily ramp up testing in the UK, but people are struggling to get a test from a location near to them, and worldwide a million species could die. 

I use plastic products, I benefit from cars and planes, but I do not want to have a lifestyle that kills other species.  I do not know anyone who wants their lives to kill other animals, so why are those who have power not helping to preseve life. I know we all have to do our part, but stop bulldozing down trees to plant palm oil and bananas.  I would rather that there was yes we have no bananas, that yes we have no orangutans. 

The world feels like it is in a parlous state and so does my family and friendship. 

So nice to know that my friend is concerned about the devastating effect she has had on my family .

 Your Blogs were very helpful and served a purpose towards my understanding.

If the comments are a nuisance then perhaps you can remove them as the Blog Manager.

I have said I was happy to do this tidying up but that I can't as there are no delete buttons to access in the old format pages.

I hope one day others will read the comments and question why they might have been put there.    She has been my only regular reader, now I think I know why!   I think I would rather have no readers in that case. 

When parents and their child and their friends view things differently.

 I have one friend, who says at all costs, I should not buy my child a house - I do not have the means to do that, but because I have sold my house and downsized,  and saved I might be able to help with a down payment.  I have another friend who disregards the fact that I do not feel that I have the means to buy a whole  house for my son,  and says I should buy him a house.  I have another friend who says that helping buy a shared house might work for all concerned. I have a son, who things I am just a manipulative cow because whilst I want to try and help him I also want him to help himself The good news is he is helping himself but now the relationship between us has been so soured that he does not want help, which is fine, that is his choice, or me in his life, which is not so good.      

Thanks Di, I think you got what you wanted - you wanted to help destroy my relationship with my son, well as a result of your intervention we had a full and frank discussion where I felt not listened to and he felt not listened to and now as we will not speak to each other again we probably will not listen to each other anyway.    I appreciate you have tapped into things that in some ways needed airing, but he and I have aired these things over and over and so far have not managed to find a way to be on the same page about things - which is horrid for both of us. But now it may be that things between us really have been destroyed. 

I recently unblocked you as I think that even with people who I am so removed from as a friend as I have become with you recently,  I have to leave space for change and communication, but I trust you will understand if I say I want nothing whatsoever to do with you ever again. I do not want emails from you, I do not want your slanderous comments on my blog,  though I know you are free to do that, and I do not ever want you to contact any of my family or my wider family ever again.    I love my son,  I love him very much.  You may have just helped destroy the most important relationship in my life.     But my son should know me better, he should know and understand what I have tried doing for him in his life, but he does not.   And that has always upset me. I have always felt he did not understand or value how I was trying to guide him,  to be wise with money.  But because I love him,  of course I want to help. If you want to call that manipulation, then call it that, but I think most parents want to help their child, however, clearly in this instance my help has not been understood or appreciated.     Yet what was I suppose to do leave him destitute and on the streets?      Luckily he does not need my help at the moment, he has lots of skills and talents and will find his own way, any help I could have offered would have just been icing on the cake, but now that chance has gone.     Hopefully one day we will find a way to communicate with each other on these things but obviously not for the present, so I hope that makes you happy Di, as it makes me very very very unhappy and that is presumably what you wanted.