When I was about 9 years old, my family moved out from London to Kent. I always feel that move added to my insecurities. I loved London, I loved my friends in London, but my parents divorce had broken me. To then take me away from everything I knew and transplant me, felt like another brick in the wall kicked away. At home I struggled, but I was happy at school. So when I did the same thing to my son and risked him being exposed to a less tolerant world what was I doing. At the time I did not know and when I hear him speaking about the pain of racism that he suffered as a result. Well.
My parents probably moved me for a whole range of reasons, partly my step Dad's job, something to do with the breakdown in the relationship between my mother and her mother, who I remained close to all her life. The need in a way for the new family to find new ways forward, plus my mum was pregnant. They are all good practical reasons for a parent to move, and I made good friends when we moved, it was a nice physical environment, in many ways you could argue I was happy. My son talks about feeling unsafe in a pod cast he did recently. I understand that more than he might expect. Because of course I felt unsafe too. As a child and as an adult. My parents, all three of them, went through a war. But whilst the war was happening, my father's parents divorced, it was a difficult time for them all. My father and his mother were incredibly close, but they were also scarred. My mum's mum was perhaps tougher, but my mum was separated from her beloved Dad. Yet as an adult did not seek to see him as much as she could before his relatively young demise. We are all complex beings and most of use will have some kind of trauma in our lives, so no wonder we pass a lot of that fear on. As a woman too, the challenges of sexism, lack of opportunities, poor pay, single parenting etc, will add to the challenges and the complexities. That I have got to 71 and am both still alive and able to provide for myself is a miracle, given the insecurities. I have definitely not done it alone, I am lucky I live in a country that has benefits. I am a complete wimp, without that help I would not have survived. Once or twice my brain has also helped, in that once or twice I had fairly well paid jobs, but I have also earned £2.50 an hour. Later in life and totally unexpectedly I have been gifted things I did not expect to receive. I was lucky I got a Council flat, but my son was born in a flat without a bathroom and one of the reasons I chose to move is because I genuinely thought living somewhere he could have his own room, was not a bad idea. I also thought, because of his asthma, living somewhere the air was better, was good for him. I knew there was racism, but even in London he had been exposed to racism, probably more than he realises. Even members of my family had rejected me for having him. The most beautfiul child and being in the world and people I loved rejected him. I can't and couldn't protect him against racism because it was all around. Yes, the north London bubble might have seemed a lot safer, but to some extent that is illusion. The diversity of the area is better though and that helps, but he had racist teachers in London, but worse in Hertfordshire he had so many racist teachers and even worse a racist headmaster and when they let my son down, the Department of Education upheld their appalling activities and I could not protect him.
He is now very much on his own journey, but my powerlessness against them, the racists, his distancing himself from himself and the family and becoming hard as a result, his journey back to warmth and love and wholeness is a credit to him. It has taken some interesting twists and turns, some I have despaired at, there is virtually not a day I do not pray he is okay and safe, some make me bubble with joy. Our kids are mostly very beautiful when they start out in life, they deserve love and happiness. And if we could all feel safe and loved, what a huge difference that would make to the state of this world. Too many children are exposed to early trauma, and that impacts everything. I wish I had been able to help my son feel more secure. And I think like most parents are haunted that I could not help more. But also aware that he left home a long time ago and he is the special person he is because of the work he has done to heal himself.
One of the reasons I know my Dad and his mum were very close, is the letters that he kept and which are part of my legacy from him. They were written because my Grandma had gone to join the WAAF despite my Dad was still being at school. My grandma, was a very good singer, I think my niece singer Emily Frances, must have inherited her talent in part from her. My grandma, so the story goes had been a cleaner in the house of a neighbour and well, my Dad was the result and a shot gun wedding ensued. At the time of the letters though two things somewhat unexpected come through,, 1 her love for her husband 2, that she has left him in some fear and as a result of his behaviour. I do not think I ever met my Granddad, but apparently my father never learned to drive, because his father had entertained himself by driving towards lampposts with his child in the car!
So much I should have asked my father about his childhood, but did not! Luckily he partially wrote his biography and I have these letters. Yesterday I went to the Imperial War Museum and I have mentioned the letters to them, I went with old school friends. Despite all the intimate chats with them in our teens, I now realise I knew virtually none of the things they were going through emotionally, too wrapped up in my own world. Many of them had fathers who had fought in the War and had experienced the most horrendous things as a result but it is only now we are sharing their stories with each other. Their father's must have been older than mine, they both served, but they had also both got into university so whilst they went through military training did not fight. However, they lived through the trauma and privations of the war. Anyway I am rambling so time to stop for today. I include this extract from one of the letters. More to follow.
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| Visitor, Imperial War Museum. |
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