Tears for Tiers.

My friend in Spain has reached out with help again and agreed to get me from Porto so I do not need a PCR test, I was just waiting to talk to them this evening prior to buying the ticket therefore
when a glimpse of the  ghastly triumvirate whilst out for a walk in search of Saturn, made me realise something new was afoot.    I caught the tail end of the broadcast, but basically we have gone from tier two to tier three to tier four in a week and even travel to London is circumscribed let alone going any further.  

I am consoling myself with chocolate, cake, and vodka and Bill Bailey and now the Birmingham Reps version of The Nutcracker.  

So much about this year has been ghastly,  special people who have passed  away,  not being able to see friends and family,  a huge breach emotionally and politically.  I could not have got through this year without the zoom singing,  quizzes, yoga, phone calls and the walks in nature, which inspired this year's Christmas Card.  A big big thank you to all who have kept me going, I might need more help.  It has been a tough, tough, year.  Merry Christmas everyone. 

Far away

 When a loved one is far away you want them to know you are thinking of them at Christmas time, so you do not care if it costs £14 to send the item even if the item only cost that amount the point is to be there is in spirit on Christmas DAy  But that is only any good if the sent item gets there!  And stupid me though I got proof of posting can I find it.   Ugh. 

Snippets of Pandemic Life.

 The Banjo boys are wonderfully warm on TV,  despite the ice.  I listen to Jordan on the radio and in dance shows with genuine joy and now Ashley is once again coaching many celebs in support of cancer charities.  And I am sure that the two of them are just as lovely and concerned in reality but that of course is what Bex, their uncle relied on when he wormed his way into my confidence and waltzed off with my inheritance from my Dad.   So I still wish that they would give the police the evidence that one family member told me that they had should I ever manage to take him to court.  

I assumed when I reported my fears to the Action Fraud that it would be simple.  All the evidence was there they just had to pick the guy up, but no Action Fraud, felt that he could even be found.  Once the Police were on board, though I was more hopeful as they did charge him. But then the CPS chucked the case out of court  for reasons that were frankly bizarre unless you are a trained lawyer, mere mortals, think taking someone's money is theft, but lawyers say yeah but one day he may give it back so it is not theft! I pursued this not just because the money was lost but because nothing that the authorities did made sense.  Of course in theory they said I could take him to court myself, however, they seem to have forgotten that Bex never gave me his proper address when they said there was no evidence of intent!    I still hope one day he will trip up and he will be prosecuted. Fraud is one of the biggest crimes in the world, people live of other people's earnings, they drain those who work emotionally and financially,  they do untold damage to people.         And they do it knowing that they are virtually untouchable.      You never forget when someone does that to you . 

Brexit though of course is even more gutting. I get that other people wanted their sovereignty back and they did not mind if the country lost a fortune as a result, but what about the people whose futures were damaged in the process.  Nothing has been decided yet even though the transition period ends in a number of days. How business is supposed to prepare it a complete mystery?   Lots of deadlines have come and gone, but the talks go on.      I feel gutted when I think future travel in Europe will cost so much more e.g. insurance and that organising it will be more difficult but luckily I will be retired by the time it is safe to go back abroad, so hopefully by that time how things will work will have been worked out a bit more. 

Meanwhile despite the beginning of vaccinations in the UK,  a new strain of Covid has been found and now my part of Hertfordshire is going into tier three the number of cases is so high.  That could explain why I felt so nervous and tired travelling into London over the weekend for a last quick get together with friends and family outside, it is like I have lost all my travel skills from being indoors so much 

I have however, been brushing off some tech skills only to discover my I phone has virtually no sound, so the lodger had to help me with this "wonderful" contribution to the local Church nativity.  

No timeslots available.

 We are out of lockdown but where I live cannot go indoors with another household but at Christmas three households can get together.     But I have been invited to Spain, which is very nice, except that to go to Spain you have to have a PCR test before you can travel and there are no timeslots available to get the test done ahead of schedule.  If you fly to Portugal and then travel through by road you do not need a PCR test! Go figure.  The cheapest PCR test I can find now and I am not sure that they have any tests available are over £200 but then so are the flights from Portugal.  Do you ever feel you are not supposed to go somewhere?  Every time another barrier comes up, a way through seems to emerge only for another barrier to come up again. 

Probably just how the people negotiating the Oven Ready Deal in London feel, the talks are going down to the wire.   Who knows what the outcome will be.    But I seem to have run out of road, to mix my metaphors. 

Lifeline or chimera!

 A few weeks ago to my joy and old friend offered me a lifeline,  I could go and stay with them and sort out my residency from their place.  Just one caveat they had to come to the UK first for several things.   Getting here was touch and go as all the countries involved in his journey were technically in lockdown,  so he had to have special permission to get here.  Then he had to quarantine,  and now he cannot do many of the urgent things he had to do whilst here as the country is still in lockdown.  However, I was still hopeful that I could get a flight mid December and still be in with a chance.  Except that he has now told me his passport is not up to date and he does not expect to get the new passport back till just before Christmas by which time all official offices will be shut.  

Very blue. 

I felt rather guilty pressing my friends abroad to see if any of them could help me.  After all does it really matter,  yes I am totally bereft,  but I should have worked out how to sort it and somehow the time has passed and I am still here.  The block that I have not been able to move is still down.  Now I am trying to think again.  I could rush off to France again, but then what as I could not get the information I needed to help me actually work out how to do the paperwork.  

Outside it is misty and moody and melancholy and of course out there there is also a killer and that does not help, but the cavalry is supposed to be just over the hill as there are now three vaccines in the offing.   However, the Brexit cavalry seems to be just a chimera,  right now cannot think what else to do. 

AGM Premiere's local film.

 I went to my first zoom AGM yesterday and watched the premiere of a film created by Trestle Theatre about the local community.  

Originally they had hoped to create a theatre piece with them, and at the time I had talked with them about some of the racism that my son had faced in the area.  Then the lockdown came and the project shifted, and I did not think that the new project was aimed at people like me however, the director remembered our conversation and asked me to contribute.   Watching myself last night was quite emotional.  I did not realise when it was filmed that I had been that emotional.   What is lovely now though is to see it alongside other people's contributions and to hear their stories, their poems, and their thoughts.   I really like the way the company have integrated our preparations with the contributions, very clever and how lovely to see how varied the local people are.    Just follow the link head over to their webpages to find out more.  

On the scrap heap or a new life ahead. I think I prefer the latter.

 It is a warm windy mild wet day the perfect day for sorting through things and throwing them out, but I am aware that this pleasant autumnal duty has a new resonance as now I really can throw things away, things I have kept for years just in case I need it to teach with as from next February that is it.  

I am very lucky, I have taught in a wide variety of settings from schools in the UK to schools in Austria, Germany , Italy and Turkey, most memorably in Senegal and Kyrgystan, and I have taught people in my home, so I have needed a wide variety of resources, some gleaned from the companies I worked for but many that I created myself. 

This all of course means I am now in the at the risk age,  so it was with interest I learned that in Taiwan 7 people have died of the Covid Virus so far, in England alone, the figure is over 50,000. We are being culled here!.  

Zooming along

 In some ways life goes on as normal for me as I work from home, but yesterday was a nice example of how zoom can benefit one's life.  I had zoom yoga at 10, then joined a local online coffee morning, had a walk and did some shopping and cooking, rested then read and at 4 my new lodger gave me a French conversation class, so person to distanced person.  Then it was back online for a singing group with Delia Rosenboom and after that work followed by a French movie on Netflix and some preparation for today's online meeting and work. 

It is a beautiful autumn here and despite the lockdown many firework parties have been held locally, so whilst I teach I get these wonderful pictures but none of the ghastly noise.   

A vaccine looks as if it is ready to roll out!

Currently 238 v 213 with all to play for.

 Up at 3 am watching the news coming in from America.   Had a dread feeling when the whole process started at about 10 UK time, that this was going to be awfully close and the worse thing for the planet, was at risk of happening again.  By the time I woke the whole thing still not resolved, but apparently it is male voters who have voted for their favourite "jock" who might have let this ecologically dangerous man back in, even Latinos have voted for him in droves, but there is still the vague hope that Biden, who will go back into the Paris climate accord could succeed, knife edge stuff. 

Lockdown announced again.

 

Shut out again and another lockdown has been announced.  

66

 Last night I received my invitation to continue working with my company - I am on a rolling contract since we suddenly became employed rather than self employed - and I was "pleased" to accept another year's work.    The irony is not lost on me. 6 years ago,  I bitterly resented working longer.  I still do mourn the lost opportunities the things that I had hoped to do, but now even if I did stop working, because of the virus,  I would not be able to do those things, so instead I will carry on working at least for now.   But getting the papers from the pension authority seemed very weird.  These papers so longed for seem alien really.  I started work when I was 13 - the regular fall of money into my bank - even if it was not much - has sustained me. Now once I decide to jack it in that will be it.   For now though I am lucky that I am still talking to the world and as all staff have to be graded or they will not be invited to carry on,  it is lucky that the world still seems happy to talk to me. 

29/10/2020  Having been asked to read over 100 pages of updated safety requirements, I have decided it is time to say to the agency that I sometimes work with that  I will not do any more one to one teaching. It is not that I think that these safety requirements are not essential,  I just no longer have the energy within me to read so many pages or to get on the bus and go to someone's house and hope that I will get on with the people inside.  The few one to one jobs I have had that have worked have been enormously rewarding, some of the most rewarding and also challenging of my life,  but I somehow just cannot pull myself up anymore to have the energy required to go there.  I want to do my own thing.   I will probably limp on with some online teaching as the pandemic is raging more and more and my potential future outgoings high as bathroom and kitchen for example need replacing, but even that sometimes seems like too much effort, I mostly just want to disappear, but will be interesting to see if in the end I regret not being more energised. 

On a sad note, my best friend from primary school has apparently passed away with cancer. It is years since we have been in touch, but I was suddenly contacted by another school friend and she was able to share the news with me.  So Deborah, this is for you.  I am thinking of you and really sad to hear of your passing. 

Fabulous Frankfurt, Distinctive Darmstadt and Lovely Laubach.

 

Sometimes one just wants to get away. Dark clouds seem to hang over almost everywhere, but it is still just about legal to get to Germany. Had I been from Wales or N.I. I might have been turned back but from England,  to my relief,  I stepped off the plan, handed in the form with details of my location for the next two days and went off to explore Frankfurt. 

It is a nice city, very multi - cultural, so after wondering around the shops including the lovely market, I happily accepted the idea of going for a Thali in one of the local restaurants with one of my fellow companions for the week.   It is good we met, as when I got lost two days later looking for him and a coach, I was spotted because he recognised my turquoise scarf.  

So who was he what were we doing there?  More of that later.  But first Darmstadt. There is probably one person who will understand why I went to Darmstadt and that is the person who I fell out with big time this year.  It is always a loss when a friendship cannot be sustained and I felt it going around this wonderful artists colony that I had studied during my degree.    It is all there and she would have loved it.  At the moment the breach is too great,  the relationship with my son so damaged, but time can be a healer. . What intrigues me is the size of the houses that these artists lived in,  they are big and it is just wonderful to see their designs but they did not seem to be struggling, unlike many of the beggars or down and outs in Frankfurt, however, despite their presence or maybe because of the colourfulness and the diversity of the population Frankfurt feels a nice place to potter and eat out or walk by the river.   And who knows you may suddenly even realise that there is a steam train running along side of you and the driver might wish you a happy, Guten Morgen. So it is a nice place for a few days.  

Laubach though is a tiny medieval village in the country and being "stuck" there for a week was a delight.  I and another 7 English speakers, including the fellow lover in Indian food,  were there to work with a group of German students who wanted to improve their English.      They already have good language, but maybe do not have the chance to use their language.  After years of just teaching online, it was very nice, but also demanding, to spend breakfast, lunch and dinner time and all the hours in between talking or doing activities with the "students".  There are lots of positives though for us volunteers as in return we get to know interesting people, have good food and company for a week, we get to do silly games and I even got to swim every morning in the hotel's tiny pool.   It is hard work, but it is a really lovely way to get to know people and more about the country and I have studied so much German history it was really lovely to be back in the country.  

Sadly before long the week was over. I wanted to stay running away,  so much of Germany beckoned, but even Germany is shutting down more and more.  So, reluctantly,  after managing to go to the cinema in Frankfurt and have a meal out with one of the students,  after returning from Laubach,  it was a short hop home to the UK and working back online.   The UK track and trace is still malfunctioning and so more and more of the country is in retreat, the whole economy is in retreat and the talks with the EU have stalled, so  the future is not looking bright but at least I escaped it for a bit. 

My talented son is getting creative.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbGSDOO9YOY&feature=youtu

Buggered

 Tried everything and failed.   

Fraud,  Brexit and Covid Virus and the intervention of a "friend" have all played a part in the situation, but last year I knew I had to act there and then and I did not,  so although I think the whole country is in trouble it looks like I am stuck there and it is my own fault.  I seem to have run out of road.  Unless I can suddenly marry an EU citizen I am buggered.  Not sure if I am actually married or not though so think that is a non starter.  Not just heart broken, sick, and there is nothing I can do about it.  

I have left my new tenant at home, and run away, am now in the past. 

Men, miles and memories.

 Against a background of feeling totally washed out by recent events it was a relief to get into London and then down to Southsea to catch up with various old friends.  

London sparkled in the sun and Fulham Palace Gardens were full of families enjoying themselves. There was even a Farmer's Market.  I do not know if it is the restrictions being placed on us, but just seeing the Thames was a joy.  Possible estrangement from our children, finances and Brexit and other things were discussed with a sympathetic ear, so that was kind.    But it was also just lovely to sit in the sun and relax.   

Johnny at the Fulham Palace Farmer's Market. 

Michael at the National Liberal Club. 

Then on Monday morning it was back up into the centre of town to the National Liberal Club,  the sight of some interesting conversations.  It is still very stylish to eat in but the burger in a plastic container was a bit of a disappointment.  However, again just to be able to sit and enjoy London before getting on the train - my wildly expensive £5 ticket down to Southsea - for another catch up, this time with an old friend from uni in a really lovely pub was great.  I also finally had a decent night's sleep so that was a relief.    

Many years ago my grandma lived in Southsea and I went down regularly to see her in her flat. She lived upstairs and her sister lived downstairs in a state of regularly warfare as they did not really get on with each other at all.    One bone of contention was wills. My grandma had bequeathed her flat to me, but that was dependent on my aunt also writing her will and despite always saying she wanted me to inherit, she never wrote her will.  If my grandma had lived the longest, all would have been well, but sadly whilst I was at uni, she died and then a few months afterwards her sister. Given I was pregnant at the time I could have done with somewhere to live but do not remember trying to fight for my lost inheritance  as lots of relatives who had never been known to visit crept out of the woodwork claimed their shares and went back in again leaving me and my sister still with something but not a home.  However, that money did help me buy a council flat - I know totally against my principles - and then a home when I moved out of London.   Life is full of ironies, the flat in London is worth much more than the flat I now live in - so what benefitted me also in some ways did not benefit me.  Now, in some ways it would be much better just to have my Council flat, but I had not thought through what it would mean to be older and on my own.  Seeing the house, it was nice to see it again and remember my relatives.     It was nice to be by the sea, but not sure that Southsea is really me, but then again not sure Hertfordshire is either, but not sure where I belong.  

I re-read some of my novel on my return.  One of the great wonders of my life, given the illiterate state of this blog and my novel, is that I work as an English teacher - more ironies, but the novel though it needs a lot of work, romps along.  But perhaps when I finally get to retire I should try and see if I can improve my writing!   All of life's events can be used in one's writing but this time the emotion has come out in my art instead of in writing.  It has been a ghastly ghastly time.    I am not sure it is over yet, but some warm weather, some good company and some interesting memories have kept me going for a bit.   Now it is cold and depressing and the virus is getting worse every day.   When one is down already that is when a virus can strike,  it feels like a long road ahead. 

Bob in Southsea. 

The not so green green grass of home.

 I am very proud to have been born in Letchworth, the first garden city, but now the Government has hi- jacked the term to create a range of green villages where the only infrastructure are roads - so no buses or trains, just cars to access facilities so not green at all.   Apparently in the literature they cited Howard and his important work, but have not followed through in what they have created.   The situation was revealed by Costing the Earth - all this before the relaxation in the planning laws. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000mj28

Pleased to say my MP was one of the few Tories brave enough to call out the Government over the Internal Market Bill.  More Tories need to reject Boris's bill. In theory he had an oven ready deal - yes it was a lie, but the thing is unravelling even more than the most synically minded Brexit supporter might have anticipated but which ever side of the divide one is on, yes protecting Northern Ireland is vital, but how does breaking a law to support a law help.  

All attempts to migrate of course on hold as cannot get to places one might want to buy are out of bounds.  

Yes we have no orangutans.

 I am still utterly crushed and exhausted by things, but the trauma in the country and the world goes on. 

Boris is prepared to break international law to avoid getting a deal with the EU.   Experts say we could easily ramp up testing in the UK, but people are struggling to get a test from a location near to them, and worldwide a million species could die. 

I use plastic products, I benefit from cars and planes, but I do not want to have a lifestyle that kills other species.  I do not know anyone who wants their lives to kill other animals, so why are those who have power not helping to preseve life. I know we all have to do our part, but stop bulldozing down trees to plant palm oil and bananas.  I would rather that there was yes we have no bananas, that yes we have no orangutans. 

The world feels like it is in a parlous state and so does my family and friendship. 

So nice to know that my friend is concerned about the devastating effect she has had on my family .

 Your Blogs were very helpful and served a purpose towards my understanding.

If the comments are a nuisance then perhaps you can remove them as the Blog Manager.

I have said I was happy to do this tidying up but that I can't as there are no delete buttons to access in the old format pages.

I hope one day others will read the comments and question why they might have been put there.    She has been my only regular reader, now I think I know why!   I think I would rather have no readers in that case. 

When parents and their child and their friends view things differently.

 I have one friend, who says at all costs, I should not buy my child a house - I do not have the means to do that, but because I have sold my house and downsized,  and saved I might be able to help with a down payment.  I have another friend who disregards the fact that I do not feel that I have the means to buy a whole  house for my son,  and says I should buy him a house.  I have another friend who says that helping buy a shared house might work for all concerned. I have a son, who things I am just a manipulative cow because whilst I want to try and help him I also want him to help himself The good news is he is helping himself but now the relationship between us has been so soured that he does not want help, which is fine, that is his choice, or me in his life, which is not so good.      

Thanks Di, I think you got what you wanted - you wanted to help destroy my relationship with my son, well as a result of your intervention we had a full and frank discussion where I felt not listened to and he felt not listened to and now as we will not speak to each other again we probably will not listen to each other anyway.    I appreciate you have tapped into things that in some ways needed airing, but he and I have aired these things over and over and so far have not managed to find a way to be on the same page about things - which is horrid for both of us. But now it may be that things between us really have been destroyed. 

I recently unblocked you as I think that even with people who I am so removed from as a friend as I have become with you recently,  I have to leave space for change and communication, but I trust you will understand if I say I want nothing whatsoever to do with you ever again. I do not want emails from you, I do not want your slanderous comments on my blog,  though I know you are free to do that, and I do not ever want you to contact any of my family or my wider family ever again.    I love my son,  I love him very much.  You may have just helped destroy the most important relationship in my life.     But my son should know me better, he should know and understand what I have tried doing for him in his life, but he does not.   And that has always upset me. I have always felt he did not understand or value how I was trying to guide him,  to be wise with money.  But because I love him,  of course I want to help. If you want to call that manipulation, then call it that, but I think most parents want to help their child, however, clearly in this instance my help has not been understood or appreciated.     Yet what was I suppose to do leave him destitute and on the streets?      Luckily he does not need my help at the moment, he has lots of skills and talents and will find his own way, any help I could have offered would have just been icing on the cake, but now that chance has gone.     Hopefully one day we will find a way to communicate with each other on these things but obviously not for the present, so I hope that makes you happy Di, as it makes me very very very unhappy and that is presumably what you wanted. 

Nuggets

 In Switzerland apparently you can go to the doctors and get a covid test result in 10 minutes. (travelling from Switzerland coming to the UK on Radio 4)   They are that efficient and apparently according to a book I am reading to get rid of epidemics you need a very tight test and trace situation, which you can do if you can get test results that easily.  In the UK you still can only test and trace about 50% of people who have tested positive, yet now if you go to Switzerland you have to   quarantine for two weeks.    This book also says that planning in advance is the only way to deal with pandemics - they said only 19 countries had decent plans prior to this current pandemic rather astonishingly the UK was one of them!

Free range chickens apparently are less eco friendly that Red Tractor chickens in a big barn.  

I am pleased to say the Victim's Ombudsman has thanked me for sending in about my experiences of being a victim of crime and about how painful moving through the criminal justice system is. She cannot get my money back,  I know that, but at least she can acknowledge how painful it is to be a victim and the damage it causes,   being groomed is very difficult, to know others have been affected by the choices I made because I was groomed has also been painful.  Because I owed it to my Dad, and my son, who suffered in a way along with me when I defrauded,  I wanted to try and at least be able to take the person who damaged me so much to court and have my say and try and get the money back if possible.  I have been told I am not his only victim, so of course,  I also hoped that taking the matter to court would help other women not be in the same position if only for a short while, whilst he was in the system. I also thought I might even have a better insight into his motivation.  The money he took from me, was a lot for me, but given he took 6 months to achieve it a small return,  so why go to all that effort.  What motivates him and people like him who prefer to use their brains in an illegal way rather than in a legal way.  We can all be bad and stupid but to spend 6 months grooming someone, did that give him a kick?  Or does he feel so inadequate compared with the rest of his family that this is the only way he can raise his sense of self esteem.  Anyway unless another woman reports hims and he is finally taken to court I probably will never know, but if my evidence helps the Victim's Ombudsman address some of the issues with proving fraud and the lack of help for victims, that will be at least something.  

I ranted and raved when he hurt me that badly,    sometimes we need to rant and sometimes we can only be silent. Sometimes when one feels angry one rants, sometimes when something seems just too overwhelming too difficult to unpick and discuss, one stays silent.  And only time will tell whether that really is the end of the conversation or whether one day one can talk again and listen objectively and with compassion and sometimes actually move forward again.      

Intrigue or intriguing.

 So a couple of days after falling out with my friend,  I received this but from someone with a different name.  Some of the information in it, suggests it was from my friend, but and this seems more likely perhaps this is evidence of how clever  fraudsters can be or those who just infringe on one's life - perhaps that is my fault for putting too much information out there but this email uses information about my " friend"  or information that suggests the person knows me  and my son but it also does not seem real - as if someone really wrote it, more like it would be if a  card reader or someone giving a horoscope reading had written it for despite the apparently accurate specifics on the whole it is quite general. 

The two currency exchange bureaux I can get to remain closed since the lockdown in March.  I have Dollars cash from my cancelled US holiday, enough to cover my night of arrival and the following day.  After your visit to Croatia it occurred to me that N O or N and his partner could benefit from the currency, if I could pass it on . I was going to raise this with you.  As it is the money will continue to languish on the mantlepiece. I'll probably donate instead when I eventually change it up.  I will miss knowing how N O's  life shakes out as he gets older.

I have a lovely bi-racial toddler in the family.  A cousin married a Kenyan and have this son.  This couple like to have gatherings on special occasions. The outdoor feasts, with goat meat, are something else. It's good to know this little bi-racial boy has extended Kenyan family in the UK  in addition to all his relatives in Kenya.  I've come to see how important that is through N O. .

I'm over my moment of explosive exasperation. I donate periodically to a Calais charity, for the few truly desperate displaced children and youngsters who turn up there, but it is those who buy a passage to the UK who usurp.

Nothing more to communicate except I regret seeing the BB posts.  Your horrible time and thoughts placed into the ethersphere. Too much.  A crystallising moment later for me in the debacle was that it is a person's actions and not their words which count in the end.  Separately, the breakings of trust with N along the way over the home abroad were shocking too. Once again actions over words. So relieved to be far away from that facet of your personality.

I wish N O well in his future.

If it is from my "friend" - well they are out of my life anyway, but if from someone else, what is their motivation.  It is scary that people can access information and create a fiction.     Whoever it is they do not like me.  

Weird goings on on my other blog, something I have not touched for years, but someone has commented on that. And very weird goings on with my gas and electrics.   All the world seems a bit out of kilter still. 

It also seems that I have comments on this blog.  Interesting comments.   I think that they have answered the intrigue. 

 

A time of loss.

 This year will be a time of loss for many people, lost work, lost lives to Covid, lost opportunities for children.  This year I have lost two friends and two great family friends have died - but neither from the virus.    The latter two were both a great age at the time of their passing, both brought down by age over recent years, but both full of life till the end.   I love living in a mixed aged world When I was a child, I loved visiting my aunts and uncles and learning about their lives.   Although these two men, Roy and B,  were neither they were honorary family .  I have stayed in their homes, eaten at their tables, listened to their tales and benefited from their kindness and generosity for a very large chunk of my life and my son holidayed with both of them, but especially B, if it had not been for B, he might not have learned to canoe or get a job working with young people when he did.      I have been the oldest women on my side of the family for some years, but I am not their equivalent to the younger generation.   Much as I love my nieces and nephews, I do not know all of them as well as I would like, nor have I become an honorary  aunt for example though I love getting to say hello to the many local kids in my road, it is fun watching them grow up.   So I will miss these people,the vital threads in my life.  

One friend was lost for reasons I cannot defend or explain.  But having known him for almost 40 years,  I realised that whilst he had become my best friend,it would and could never be more than that and that was painful.  I do not know if it was cognitive dissonance, but I decided a sort of compromise friendship was not feasible and I cut him out of my life.  That is a terrible thing to do to a friend, so I am guilty of being a very bad friend.    And it is not like I have so many friends that I can afford to let people go, but I have. 

Then this week.   A women I have known for a similar length of time, declared herself to be a fascist, or she defended being fascist.  She has an extreme position on migrants the most extreme I have ever come across.  I have fiends who have declared that no Muslims are good, but then I have realised that they have friends from a variety of faiths including Islam, so whilst I am not comfortable with their views,  I think that their humanity is intact.   But when someone more or less says that no one should be allowed to migrate or ask for refuge I wonder what is going on.     It may not be relevant, but this person says they want to uphold the idea of Britain being a white Christian mono culture, but that Christ - a middle Eastern refugee, is not anything to do with Christianity and she more or less accused my neighbour of being a hypocrite - of being a middle class, in effect a virtue signalling do gooder,  who does not have to actually deal with the consequences of immigration.  Given that my neighbour could not be someone more divorced from being middle class, the attack on Facebook was surprising and uncalled for. My friend had seen my neighbour's comment on Facebook because my name was included in the feed.  We accidentally transmitted material showing understanding of why people might want to run away from bombs and that was enough to label us as hypocrites.   

True her anger and ugly views, pulse through many of us, I am not immune from being ugly at times, but I know that if I lived in a country where bombs rained down on me, or where there was not enough food, I might have the courage to upsticks andto try and be safer. Sadly the UK is not a haven, it is not honourable or honest and it helps very few refugees compared with many other countries, however there is a crisis when some 70 million people having to escape their countries.  It is a crisis of corruption and mismanagement,it is a crisis of intolerance and poverty, some of which we have contributed to directly and indirectly. I do not have an answer to it.  I do not know how to stop Assad bombing his people, I wish I did, I do not have an answer to poverty, I wish that the money wasted on murderous traffickers was spent helping build positive healthy countries with citizens who did not listen to the siren call about European culture - a culture that has done so much to undermine African autonomy.   So I guess I feel as powerless as her,  and perhaps I am virtue signalling whereas she is happy to be the ugly crazy women in the corner spouting hatred.   But that is definitely not the answer, and that is something I do know.   But now I have to be the intolerant one because that is a view too far for me.    Her views threaten me,  they threaten me.  And so much as I value so many other things about her,  sadly I cannot sustain the friendship any more. I am sure she feels  the same way about me,  but it is never good to lose friends, especially people one has known since a holiday in the 70s whichi s where we first met .This woman did a similar liberal open univeristy degree to me, she has always liked travelling, we both worked at the very liberal GLC, and have had very similar health issues and issues with ghastly employers, yet she is now on the far right on this issue, and I am not.  Car owners and their pollution, people who dig up forests, I could understand if she objected to that kind of behaviour, I am very intolerant of some things,  but I genuinely do not understand why she is so inhumane about this.   She feels threatened by cold desperate people in boats, and I feel threatened by her and her views instead. 

Coasting down Croatia - Part 2 Kastela

According to my book on Croatia,  there is virtually nothing of worth between Split and the airport, other than a rather unique garden that happens to be situated in a school in Kastela,  but that is to ignore the rather charming small old towns that promenade along this part of Croatia, providing nice places to moor a boat,  clear waters to swim in,  warm days and warm nights and the odd bit of rain. If my son's partner did not live in the area, I might not have visited, but there is nothing nicer than pottering down to a

beach,  swimming ,relaxing, wandering back up the beach to a lovely lunch, followed by a siesta, and another swim or a night out.  Croatia proved to be a good place for a night out, from the esoteric sax and guitar concert in a church to clapping to Klapa Croatia has a good music tradition.   Just north of the Kastela's is Trogir, which is a lovely town to wander around, just south of Split is Omis another lovely town to just wandering around and in the middle are the Kastelas with their charming old buildings and castles.     A lovely seaside holiday. 

Coasting through Croatia part 1.

Coming into land Croatia looks stunning - little coves and clear seas.   Rijeka is a partly industrial town by the sea and when one is rushing up and down trying to find somewhere to stay it is hard to spot its charms.  Sadly despite being in touch with Ryanair and Hotels.com who are responsible for my booking - I have neither had a refund or assistance.   However,  on a warm day there is nothing nicer than sitting in the sun and enjoying a freshly squeezed grapefruit juice, true it could be almost anywhere in Adriatic area, but it is pleasant enough.  The town has some attractive buildings, a small old town, port and market.   I hope if I have to fly in there again, some interesting museums look worth visiting  and I would definitely stay at 

the little hostel where I stayed in before as that is right in the  heart of town, cheap and the people who run it very pleasant, much better than the rubbishy hotel that I had booked and which was closed!  I am trying to label the picture and reduce its size, but cannot get to grips with Bloggers new layout, which is horrid at present and has suddenly underlined things and gone blue!. 

The joys of  Croatia are beyond Rijeka - the bus climbs up into the mountains, with lovely seaside views,  goes over the plains and then drops down into Zadar and nice old walled city with a lovely atmosphere.    I stayed in the new part, but only had to walk across the bridge to be immersed in the lovely energy.   Mostly people are happy to wonder the streets, take in the Roman remains, dip into one of the many shops or sit in the warm evening sun and have a meal.   I had the biggest ice cream ever.    It was a lovely town to pop into to buy breakfast in the market,  or to wonder around.  I visited the glass museum and the archaeology museum and would especially recommend the later.  In the afternoons I walked to the nearest beach, which is a good half an hour a way, but by then a dip in the sea is absolutely vital, and then in the evening you can pop back into town.  I was there at the start of the Zadar summer festival so on my second night was able to see the rehearsals for a free concert and on my third night I was able to sit on a roman remain at a good social distance from others to watch the actual concert.    One of the special joys of Zadar are the wonderful sunsets - and whilst you watch the sun slowing sink down you can also sit and listen to the mournful sounds of the sea,  via the Sea Organ installation.  Then when it is finally dark,  head for the Greeting to the Sun and be in some kind of weird disco of lights generated by the heat of the day, 

Coviding a break? Then think about heading off to Croatia but expect the unexpected.

Several months ago in a different era,  my son accused me of " being difficult and more" because I felt my 91 year old step father should get insurance, however, expensive it was if he was going to get a ticket to Croatia this summer.  None of us could have imagined how everyone's holiday plans have been turned upside down since then, but whilst my father gave up his attempt to travel I still held onto my room bookings in Croatia, even when Ryanair cancelled my flights.   Indeed my fear of missing out on the visit, despite its painful birth was my main source of anxiety come the Covid lockdown.  True ghastly deaths did at times make make me quail, but the only thing I was really worried about was not seeing my son, who was planning a summer sojourn by the Adriatic.   The loss of his job,  didn't stop his plans on being there, so I waited and waited hoping the Government would deem that holidays were permissible and not just essential travel.    Ever hopeful I booked new flights, added extra insurance and plotted a new route South, knowing it might not happen,  then just a week ahead of the trip,  it was green lit.

Yay,after several months not going any further than the river, 10 minutes from my door, I got on an almost empty train,  walked past closed shops in Stansted and joined a few intrepid souls on a largely empty plane to Rijeka, Croatia.     Having wondered the main heart of the town and in the process as best as possible established where I would catch my bus on,  I without a shadow of disquiet, headed to my hotel and was pleased when I found the street nearer into the centre than I had anticipated.


On my only other trip to Croatia,  my arrival had been a bit scary.  I knew the coach from the airport would be running very late at night but was content that map in hand,  I would find my resting place easily.  Only I did not.  I searched for several hours, but the owner of the local bar did not recognise the name of the place, down on the lovely seafront, not a single town map was on display,  I even rang to the UK, in the hope that my brother could locate the place somehow, but when that failed I hailed a passing man on a bike, who only spoke German, but he kindly took me home and with the help of possibly his young son, who spoke some English and with the help of technology, it was established that I was looking in the wrong town for the accommodation, it was a couple of kilometres down the coast.  Luckily once I was given a lift there, my holiday went swimmingly and I thought Croatia was lovely.   

However,  as I glanced at the rather unexpected glassless windows of the vast building opposite to a little sign for my rooms for the night,  I still did not suspect that once upstairs I would be met by a

No access to Hostel Morcic. 

closed door rather than by welcoming warmth.   The confirmation note from Ryanair, gave one phone number, the sign on the door another, but answer came back there none.  In the end after waiting half an hour I left a note explaining the situation and that I would be back at 8.  The door was firmly shut.  I rang my son and asked him the text the hotel a message and dragged by case back down the stays and back into the centre of town,  and luckily found a cafe, with an internet signal and checked the deails and realised looking at booking.com that were was a second hotel, with a similar name to mine, back down into the centre of town. With my interest signal failing, I rushed down the main drag as quickly as I could but there was no sign of the second place.     I walked back up to  cafe and confirmed the location of the second hotel but still could not find it until I looked up and there was an M on the top floor - many of the cheaper hotels on Booking.com are flats in old blocks, converted into sort of hotels/hostels.  Some you enter with a code, but most have receptionist, though their availabilty is limited. Both this hotel and the first one in theory were open and I should have been able to just walk in, but unfortunately this second place was as unresponsive as the first.  Once more I walked through the town, up the hill, to the unprepossessing first location, but still no one answered the phone or the door. With my remaining power, I dialled a hostel downtown and secured a bed, with my last signal I texted my son, that I had been rescued and planned to follow it up with more detailed respopnse once my phone was chanrged, only to discover I had the wrong charger with me and that I could do nothing till morning. 


After two hours running back and forth the jolly receptionist who mostly spoke to me in German found me a bed,  provided free cups of tea, ignored the smoking guests,  but delighted in the Orchestral music rehearsal going on in the back street behind the hostel.   I feel asleep in my bunk bed to the pounding beat of the restaurant out front, interspersed with orchestral touches.     After weeks of lockdown,  Croatia was clearly much more alive than me or the UK. 

After that luckily the break was less dramatic, indeed it consisted of sunshine and showers,  swimming in the sea,  home cooked food, free concerts and the occasional trip to winding back streets in quaint towns where I would not have been remotely surprised to see Romeo and Juliet appear.    And I finally met up with my son and his partner and her Croatian family.     It was lovely to feel almost normal, yes there was social distancing and must wear mask instructions on every shop door, but one could sit at cafes and even attend concerts and just lie in the sun and relax.    Only the nightly reminders on the BBC that winter is coming and the virus not defeated cast a shadow.   As I flew back today, Spain was deemed unsafe and I returned to warnings not to travel unless necessary.  I stopped in London,  en route home, lively, but with most of the cafes in Kings Cross still closed, clearly not back to anything like normal.      The covid crisis goes on, but I am one of the lucky one's who has got away this year.

Have your say.

Government Consultation The House of Lords has established the COVID-19 Committee to look at the long-term implications of the COVID-19 pandemic on the economic and social wellbeing of the UK.

For its first inquiry, Life beyond Covid, the Committee wants people to share their hopes and fears about what the pandemic might mean in the long-term for our home and working lives and how we function as a society. The Committee is asking for people to share their hopes and fears in the format that most suits them – video, photo and audio using the hashtag #LifeBeyondCOVID. This is one of the first times a Committee has sought to gather submissions in this way. So, please share the call for submissions with your networks at work and at home, friends and families. And even, share your own creative submission!

Life and Death on Zoom

I have been to an online funeral and an concert, all live.  Life on Zoom.

Wales is still not open, and half my sister in law's family still live in England,  so a border funeral was arranged for a man, who had intended his body go to science, but because of the virus had to be buried instead.    There are people who populate our histories and my brother's father in law is one of them.  I have known Roy since my 20s I suppose, I have holidayed in his house, shared Christmas drinks and laughed at his brilllaint stories. In the last few years he has lived in a home,  but despite that my brother has regularly included him in theatre outings and meals out,  despite being in a wheelchair and over 90,  it was lovely that he and my step dad were able to be the two oldies on family outings.  But then came the virus and the worry that he was in one of the most vulnerable places ever.  But it was not the virus that killed him, suddenly he was ill and then gone.  He has left a hole in our lives, so it was an honour to be able to watch the family, albeit from a great height by video feed as this unexpected farewell was given.

Not all the family managed to tune in - the usual online glitch.  Two days later I was again dealing with technology, this time to tune in for a live concert from Portugal.  Sahaja is mostly in lockdown, its income, which mainly comes from people coming to gain enlightment, reduced, and the need for security, unnecessary when all contact is over the net,  so my son is no longer needed. It is time to move on.  Having railed at times against his decision to live with a guru,  I now feel very emotional about the end of this time.  It has been such a brave and extraordinary way to live and what comes next who knows.  Om's partner though it is a brilliant singer and before they left, she hosted their Sunday concert, with songs that she had written herself and more familiar bhajans.    I have been privileged to enter their world their occasionally, I wonder when or if we will be back.

Adventures at M and S!

I once suggested to a possible date that he check out my blog as I thought that would give an account of me and my life, only he declared it boring!  That could explain my lack of readers and in truth now I am not in Kg or Senegal there is less reason to write it, but we are living in historic times right now so I feel duty bound to report on the latest excitement.  We are allowed to shop!   Non essentials re-opened on Monday leading to fisticuffs at the entrance to Nike.  M and S in Cheshunt however was hushed calm with a hint of sci fi.  First the ritual hand bathing - a first for me as I have avoided gels - but the spectre of all us old folk with masks on all at a distance did feel odd. And we could not try clothes on and the sales staff actually did not even touch the clothes I had to line them up so that they could scan the bar code.  I then walked home which knackered me and is evidence that my fancy that walking up to the allotment and watering things is keeping me fit is a delusion.  

Our death rates are still over a 100 a day, I do not feel I can really rest easy till they are below 50 but the news that Beijing is again paralysed following an outbreak at another food market is sending alarm bells around the country.  This despite them finding that the market in Wuhan was not the original source, raising more questions about the laboratory there.   Trump pointed the finger,  could he be right, now that is a horrid thought. 

To try and keep myself calm over the weeks I have been doing some embroidery, only today I have realised I have embroidered on the wrong side of the fabric, so this evenings excitement is unpicking it. Who says I have a boring life!

Testing times?

Several times on the news I have seen interviews with people who say that their Corona test results have taken ages to come back,  I think I now know why. 

I have had about four bouts of either my M.E or something else since lockdown, perhaps it is caused by panic.     I was especially worried that what people said was hayfever might be something worse, so last week I booked a virus test.   It came very promptly and I thought I had sat and read the instructions properly but tonight it seems like I missed step 2, which is to register the test.  So I tried doing that myself just now online, but cannot find where one is supposed to register, so I just rang for help. Yes they are open at 8pm at night.  And a very helpful person has registered my test. 

To my amazement I have now had the results - and the tests are negative.  There are good things about this as I realise now that I just carried on with my usual self isolation when that happened, i.e. having a walk and if necessary going to a shop with my mask on, but perhaps I should not have been doing that.perhaps I should have just really been in my room for two weeks. ... I really have not mastered the art of managing this situation, but the bad news also is that I have not had it. That means one I have been ill a lot of the time anyway, and two I still have no protection against the damn thing.

A small safe dose might have been a good thing.

Anyway all credit to the phone line and the testers and a complete idiot to me for getting it wrong.

Taking the test - one is told not to touch any part of the mouth other than the tonsils, but the gag reflects kicks in, and shoving something up the nose that tickles unpleasantly is very off putting, so again the worry is that one contaminate the test.    Anyway,  I am negative!  

More English colonialism.

When I wrote to my MP back in 2016 with my concerns about the Brexit arrangements he replied, " As Broxbourne's Member of Parliament, I shall be making every effort to ensure that the Government oversees teh UK's orderly exit from the EU and its institutions"  Despite that the English Government was determined to transition come what may, so I wrote to my MP again, in the light of the Coronavirus and asked that the transition be extended, this is what he said. " I think there will be some constructive discussions around the EU transition timeframe". Clearly this could mean a whole range of things, but it seems to have meant that English colonialism will ignore the wishes of the Scottish and Welsh Governments and the interests of the British public regardless as the Government has yet again determined to exit the transition phase at the end of December despite the failing talks on the arrangement.  

Some of us weep in despair. 

Horrible news from Hoddesdon.

Luckily  missed the news the other day, even at a distance the news is truly horrid as local fascists tried to break up a local Black Lives Matter. I am amazed the area had a Black Lives Matter event,  not sure how people knew anything about it,  not amazed that the fascists came out.  Horrid reminder of how ghastly things can be,  just when everything is ghastly anyhow. Friends in Portugal and on Facebook, brought me up to speed.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-52979267

Taken to the bottle and taken to the river!

I do not know why but I have taken to drinking wine.  I have also surprised mself byfeeling the need to go to Church, and whilst people continue to die, amazingly people are taking to the streets in Anti Racist Marches.  They have even pulled down a statue of the slave trader, Edward Colston,  in Bristol, which is wonderful,and dragged him and dumped him in the river.   But there is a worry that many black lives will be lost after the demonstrations, but how wonderful that people want to resist and refuse to cope with racism any more.


Thuggery was Boris' comment, criminal damage says Priti Patel  on hearing the news- sounds like a good description of racism and slavery to me.  The British Government especially in recent years have been nothing but viscious to incoming people,  even now people who have lived here for decades have no recourse to public funds despite the crisis and their contributions in taxes, refugees are illegally locked up.  This Goverment is institutionally racist in its policies and they have fostered an anti immigrant approach within the country -just look at the damage done to the Windrush generation to see examples of the damage done by some of their recent policies and Brexit was partly fostered by anti immigrant rhetoric   Of course many of the black population here at British born and with British parents, grandparents all the way back to Roman times and back to the start of time, they have the right to be treated and valued as equals. My son was the recipient of racist treatment by teachers from the minute dot, who discriminated against him and despite complaints to the Government the behaviour of the staff was upheld.    So Boris Johnson do not speak of Thuggery when people rightly and emotionally pull down this statute.  Celebrate their actions.  Celebrate. 

Making Hay while the Sun Shines.

This week I should have been up in Wales going to the Hay Festival for the first time, but of course it has been cancelled, but to my delight they have gone online instead with free talks. I have been to three so far and just logging in for a fourth. Mine was the first question answered by Chinese writer Lan Yan about her history of recent China and how much younger people learn about the Cultural Revolution,  however, it is not yet published in Mandarin. 

Meanwhile down by the river it is almost normal the rowers are back and signs that the cafe, which did not have to close at least not for take aways, is maybe about to open again. Another glorious days weather.    Blogger is changing parts of their format,  not sure I like what I see but will probably get used to it. 

Confused messages

I think I have got to the stage when I no longer understand what the Covid 19 rules are.     We can drive to a beach and sit there with hundreds of other people but I cannot go into a friend's house or Wales  and if I fly to Croatia where the pandemic is much milder, I have to self isolate when I return to the UK,  even though I have entered from somewhere safer and if I break this rule, I can be fined £1000.  But Dominic Cummings when already suffering from the virus and despite having friends and family in London, apparently, and at the height of the lockdown is acting legally and responsibly when he drives 250 miles to deposit his child there for them to look after?      And the PM wonders why he is having to justify his stance.


Meanwhile a bit of me regrets that lockdown more or less seems over here as everyone seems to be having visitors or bbq's in the back garden.    

Why are people so disgusting?

So a couple of days ago the bin at the bottom of our road got removed. I am not sure why.  But a woman and her dog have just come around the corner and she - the woman, a perfectly normal woman, the kind of woman you would expect to be morally upstanding just because she looks normal, chucks her bag onto the ground where the bin would be and casually walks away.

I wanted to hit someone in the queue who lit up today and I begin to worry the lockdown is making my internal rage explode.   I am guessing a lot  of "naice" people underneath  are seething that people do not follow the common rules that make life bearable.  And of course as well as angry, I am judgemental and hypocritical cos I come home and stuff my face until I cannot breath, which is just as irresponsible.   But I wonder if the lock-down is adding to the sense of frustration as we have so little control over our lives. Except that in some ways it is all about how we control our own moods at present.  I seem to be having a loosing battle with my many elephants.

For example I know it is stupid but when I see something that I have done on the community allotment that is trying to encourage growth or be meaningful, I get upset when it is undone. Something in me needs to be seen to be worthy,  which could be why even in the allotment God goes oh no no you don't if you try planting something it will die or you try doing something beneficial it will be trashed. I know others do a lot, but I seem to need to be valued,but cannot be valued unless I do something valuable.   The woman from that stupid volunteer agency is right I am passive aggressive, but that does not mean that when I comes to volunteering that I cannot for the most part control this emotion.    And I still think it takes one to know one. See not rattled about it still at all.

I am reading the book  The Long Song by the late great Andrea Levy - it has a central incident in it, which when I saw the TV series, I  felt that as a viewer I was struggling with because in some ways I shared the "owners" view of this situation rather than that of the heroes - the slaves.  Was my own racism and intolerance being revealed or was I right to see something in his moral plea to his former slaves - a bit like when one appeals to people to do right and not smoke and like today equally at a loss as the owner when an appeal to reason is rejected. His response was violence, undermining all his good intentions, but perhaps revealing his inherent racism all along.  Or do we all get violent, if only emotionally, when our ego is bludgeoned.   She raises difficult questions about slavery, power, people.    And this virus also makes demands on our sense of self too.